Heckle

The Sydney Morning Herald has a reader submission column called Heckler where it invites people to write in with 450 words (previously 650 words) about whatever makes their blood boil. I sent this off earlier this week - and have had no response - so it wasn't what they were looking for ... but it seems a shame not to share it.

Readers ... 450 words - hang on … what kind of inadequate non-rant producing limit is that? Why would I use this as a reason to put pen to paper to vent my spleen instead of merely going off at drivers cutting in on me, people walking too slowly, too long queues, people who push in, people with annoying, stupid mobile phone ring tones, people who put recycling in the rubbish bin and rubbish in the recycling, people who dump their rubbish near the bins, thugs who regularly smash the glass at the bus stop, and people who don't keep the security doors closed. And people who aren’t nice to each other – and don’t pick up after themselves, their kids or their pets. (What do you mean don't bang so hard on the keyboard … can't you see I'm busy here.) And don't push in front of me at the lift, the lights, getting onto the bus, getting off the bus, getting the newspaper, crossing at the lights (if the little man isn't green, I'm not going anywhere!) and certainly don't blow smoke into my face. There's a reason I stand downwind of you - and for all of our sakes, don't forget that you discovered deodorant last summer. And no, I don't want to listen to any of your conversations "on the bus" - who cares if you're on the bus - they know you're not home because they would have rung you there. And don't be the bus driver who sails past the stop where I've agreed to meet my partner and am carrying a backpack, two picnic chairs, and 10” x 12” photo enlargements in nothing more protective than a bubble-wrap envelope. And certainly after I catch an express bus to get in front of you - and then get on and ask you why you didn't stop - don't sit there and lie to me and tell me that you did stop - and then, don't tell me to lodge a complaint if I'm not happy - because you know that's exactly what I'm going to do.
[Draws breath] I guess 450 words isn't such a bad limit after all. They say you can't maintain rage for long - but it's been a few months now, and if my partner's right (and it is hormonal) it will be a while yet. Of course, it could be because of violent US TV shows - as suggested by a senior magistrate in a road rage case this week. If that’s the case, with my reliance on television for relaxation, I may never get out of this vicious cycle!